Remember That??

So, about two years ago, I made a post about how I was about to dive deep into who I am as a person. Remember that?? Hoping to find comfort in having my flaws on display, I told myself that I was going to expose myself to others and, most importantly, I was going to reveal my own character to myself. Obviously, I did a rather poor job at being transparent. That quality is actually one of many that I struggle with but feel like I can use to relate to others. I'm never truly honest with myself and force myself to be defined by superficial systems rather than writing my own definition under "Tristyn-." My own name is left blank in my dictionary so I stick my achievements next to my name and hope that they'll act as a proper substitute.

I ended up getting entangled in organizations, clubs, and activities that I hoped would allow people to see that version of me that I wanted to see. Not the one that I wanted THEM to see, but the one that I hoped I could see for myself. Isn't it funny how we do that? We put such an effort behind creating this persona that we can hide behind whenever we start to feel uncomfortable with ourselves. For me, the thought that's constantly running through my head is "if I don't like me, who does?" I'm constantly overwhelming myself with things to do and putting things on the back-burner. LIKE THIS BLOG!! I just finished my freshman year of college and, if there's one thing that I learned, it's that involving myself with more doesn't always mean doing more. I've always enjoyed staying busy and allowing an opportunity to become the door that leads to the entire hallway, but I've found myself spread too thin.

I involved myself with so many activities both on and off of campus this year. From the ones devoted to business management development to Sunday mornings spent singing on stage; I've ended up bearing a burden of involvement so large that I had to drop clubs and organizations after only 3 months at college. Now, this isn't a post about my entire freshman year, but it does regard one of the most important things I've learned over the past few months. Time management and an evaluation of how you're spending your time may be one of the most worthwhile activities you can do. One of the greatest people in the world, I call her "C," once debated on dropping a club on campus that she used to believe in and cherish. She was at an impasse and didn't see a way around the decision. Honestly, there wasn't an escape but, when she called out for advice, all I can remember is the advice that I've never taken.

"You're cheating yourself and you're cheating others by involving yourself with something you don't truly cherish. You're devoting your time to something you don't care about and cheating yourself out of opportunities that you'd find worthwhile."

Isn't it funny how we do that? We give such incredible advice when we're just by-standards that are observing the situation but never know what to do the second we're faced with a hard decision. Ugh, my life. Despite how ironic it might be, that's what I've been doing for the past two years — and now I'm writing about it. I've been devoting myself to things that represent the image I want to create rather than involving myself in the worthwhile activities that will continue to define who I am as an individual.

I guess I might need to start taking my own advice..

-T